Inner Child Work

Happy Childhood !?

People quite often have the idea that they’ve had a reasonably happy childhood. And of course, there often are many things that went well. But up bringers will never fully understand their child and treat it accordingly. Boundaries can be overstepped and needs can be rejected or neglected. That is only human. Therefore, at times, this leaves scars on your soul and holes in your self-esteem.

Healing this inner damage, that’s how you can regard working with your inner child. Closing the wounds, just leaving a scar, taking off the edginess of it, putting the past to rest. From the scratches and shards, you will end up creating your unique work of art. You will learn to permit yourself to lead your own life and not that of your up bringers.

Recognize Chronic Stress?

Inner Child Work is for people who want to clear up the source of their chronic stress or malcontent in a friendly, safe, and loving way. People who see therapy as a way to grow and to increase their awareness and happiness. Perhaps you recognize one or more of the following distressing situations:

  • running into the same trouble over and over again
  • never being content with yourself
  • feeling distrust towards other people
  • finding it hard to feel your emotions
  • feeling closed off and isolated
  • always sacrificing yourself and making yourself invisible
  • always taking up responsibility
  • not being able to say ‘no’ or stand up for yourself
  • pressuring yourself
  • judging yourself
  • wanting to understand everything

These are examples of feelings and behavior that indicate that ´something old´ is coming through in the present situation. Old and unfinished experiences that still can strongly determine how we feel and act in the present. This is what we call the inner child in action. What is the inner child? Who’s talking inside you?

Curious about Yourself?

Suppose you have your life on track. You have various jobs and perhaps several relationships behind you. You have always met the expectations of others. The kids have flown out and an inner call is getting stronger: “Who am I really?”. You could well do with more time and attention for yourself. You are curious about yourself. You may think regularly “Is that all there is?” or “Now it’s my turn”. Inner Child work is a very mature way to learn more about who you are inside (and who you are not). A loving way of learning about such things as:

  • What are my actual needs (things that are good for me)?
  • How do I find back my boundaries (things that are not good for me)?
  • What has been the influence of my upbringing on me and my past?
  • What have I been passing on to my children?
  • What role do I often pick in friendships and relationships?
  • What are my tricks/strategies to avoid having to confront myself?
  • How can I get more in touch with my feelings, with my inner child?
  • When can I begin to shine after years of sacrifice?
  • How can I access my inner peace?

Becoming yourself, and revealing yourself more is a wonderful adventure. Follow your curiosity about the child inside you! Read about The Inner Child and see what treasures lie hidden in you.

The Inner Child

The concept of the ‘inner child’ stands for unfinished emotions and feelings in our early childhood. It stands for essential aspects of our being, like trust, innocence, and natural energy, that have been damaged or oppressed in our early years. Besides pleasure, we’ve also had our painful experiences as a child. Or experiences that were even too overwhelming to be processed at all. No matter how young we were, having these painful feelings we came to convictions about life, and our life. Convictions like ´I´m not allowed to be here´ or ´I have to do it on my own´ or ´I´m not being heard´ or ´I´m not good enough´. At such a moment a part of us got stuck with a negative conviction and didn’t grow any further. However mature we think we are, this stuck part in us still projects its movie inside our brain. And our brain produces the chemicals that go along with these convictions, to make them come true. But first to the beginning: The Pure Child.

The Pure Child

We all started as a pure little being:

  • innocent
  • trusting
  • ecstatic
  • dependent
  • precisely feeling needs and boundaries
  • natural, unadapted

Deep within us there still is a gifted little child, knowing exactly what is right for him/her. It just got snowed under by layers of hurting emotions and feelings: The Wounded Child.

The Wounded Child

During our early years, our pure child gets damaged and oppressed. Our needs will inevitably be ignored or misunderstood once or more often. Our boundaries will inevitably be transgressed once or more often by our parents or caretakers. Totally dependent and vulnerable as we were, we experienced for example feelings of:

  • anxiety, panic
  • rejection, abandonment
  • insecurity
  • abuse (physical, verbal, emotional, sexual violence)
  • anger, rage, hate
  • disgust
  • sadness
  • powerlessness
  • shame, unworthiness

Around the pure child, a layer of pain and drama arose, that we call the wounded child. To survive these wounds we developed, each in our unique way, The Surviving Child.

The Surviving Child

In order not to feel our woundedness all the time, each of us has developed a unique way to harness ourselves against these feelings. This harness helped us to survive as a bigger child. We learned to survive for example by:

  • adapting
  • staying above things
  • becoming invisible
  • solving problems
  • building a wall around ourselves
  • freezing up because of shock
  • developing addictions (eating, drinking, smoking, adrenaline, sex, work, etc.)
  • persevering, fighting
  • helping others, effacing ourselves
  • ignoring own needs

This harnassing is in a way necessary. It provides the child with coping strategies to make its way into the world. But later on, this harness really can get in the way of having a mature and healthy life. Until we acknowledge that we need The Loving Adult in our life.

The Loving Adult

Almost everybody who starts working with the inner child has been missing out on a loving adult in his or her life. The surviving child was facing ordeals by him/herself and has become very good at it. It is in this surviving child, that we have spent the biggest part of our lives, in the absence of an adult who is:

  • unconditionally loving
  • staying present, sober, and practical
  • letting go of judgments and drama
  • cherishing, supportive
  • taking responsibility for what´s good for the self
  • nourishing
  • guarding worthiness and self-respect

By awakening and bringing back this loving adult inside us, the surviving child can start to relax, and the wounded child can start feeling heard and seen. As a result, the pure child can start to come out more. The loving adult plays a central role in healing unhealthy relationships. The loving adult develops an awareness of the survival mechanisms at hand and the childlike projections onto the partner. This way, an unhealthy and exhausting connection can transform into a loving and nourishing relationship.

Working with the inner child is for people who want to reach clarity on the source of unhealthy patterns, tensions, and discontent, playfully and lovingly. People who see therapy as a way to let grow their consciousness and inner peace. The first step is to learn how every child-part in us is doing so far.

Between Shock and Shame

Unprocessed childhood experiences occur mainly when grown-ups do not properly deal with the boundaries or needs of the child. We grow up as it were with a yoke on the shoulders with a bucket on each side: one in which we collect unprocessed experiences of boundary transgressions (shock) and one in which we collect unprocessed experiences of abandonment and rejection (shame). Working with the shock of the inner child requires a completely different approach than working with the shame of the inner child. Depending on your themes sessions will sometimes focus more on the processing of shock and sometimes more on the processing of shame.

The Child and Shock. Shock occurs when the child’s up bringers administer violence to the child by transgressing its boundaries, for example, verbally, physically, emotionally, or sexually. The child is completely dependent and may often not be able to fight or flee from the violating adult. The child can become overwhelmed and just undergo the situation. It develops strong anxiety and then starts to respond with “going into shock.” It learns to stiffen or freeze in a situation of closeness or overwhelming. When up bringers do not reassure the child again and help him/her to shake off the tension, then the child will freeze repeatedly. Gradually the tension will reside in the nervous system. The body and mind will stay alert, even when it is not necessary. This can give a lot of physical and mental symptoms. Later on, in situations of closeness, the person will react with forms of freezing to ‘survive’.

The Child and Shame. Shame occurs when the up bringers consciously or unconsciously abandon the child or reject its needs (for safety, love, warmth, encouragement, care, food, clothing, etc) while it is still totally dependent on them. The child often develops a deep uncertainty about itself (“I’m not good enough, it’s me, I’m not worth it”). When the up bringers do not help the child by pulling it up close again and restoring its self-esteem, then later in life the person will very easily perceive the distance between people as rejection or abandonment. The person will withdraw to ‘survive’.

Relationship Issues

We are born from a relationship and grew up in one. We have been formed by a relationship and also damaged. What we have seen and experienced as a child, or have missed, we take that into our relationships today. If we, as a child, have not experienced a loving adult (parent, caretaker), then chances are that a loving adult has not strongly developed in us as well. And won)t often be present in later relationships. Then we fall back on the emotions and experiences of the child in us.

Relationships often begin implicitly based on childish hopes and fears. For example, starting from a lack of love, fulfillment, or recognition as a child. Or from the expectation that the other should always be there for you and automatically understand you completely. Or from the fear that the other will abandon you if you do not meet up to his or her expectations. Or from the fear that the other person will come close to you and you’ll lose yourself.

Relationships: A ‘Child’s Play’?

We are born out of a relationship and we grew up in one. We are formed and also damaged by them. A relationship can easily evolve into a tiresome and unhealthy connection. We start hurting each other, not trusting each other, keeping secrets from each other, evading each other, rejecting each other, transgressing each other’s boundaries, and becoming violent in a physical, verbal, emotional, or sexual way. All of that leads to growing apart. But once there was love! Where did it go? And what grips can we develop on our unhappiness to find back this love for ourselves and each other?

What we have seen and experienced or missed as a child, we bring this history into our current relationships. If we haven’t experienced a loving adult beside us as a child, chances are that we haven’t developed such an adult inside us either and often won’t be really present and responsible in a relationship later in life. We will fall back on the emotions and experiences of our wounded and surviving child. The relationship will sometimes be playful and merry, but more often it will be hard and painful ‘child’s play’, without the loving guidance of an inner adult. In sessions, we will see what relational history we still are carrying with us and how that affects our daily connections.

Absence of the Loving Adult

After falling in love in a beautiful and pure way (the pure child in action), the other inner child will start to take things over after a while. Protective behavior of one partner (e.g. judging you) can easily hit the other partner in his/her vulnerable layer (feeling rejected), and trigger a counter behavior (withdrawal) driving the one partner further into protection (more judging).

Or the relationship is silently based on childlike expectations and fears, coming from an early lack of love, fulfillment, and acknowledgment. For example, the expectation that the other always has to be there for you, that the other understands you automatically and knows precisely what you need. Or the fear that the other will leave you when you don’t meet expectations. Or the fear that the other will come too close to you and you’ll lose your sense of self.

Without the loving supervision of the adult, these inner-sensitive children will very likely create immature and unhealthy relationships. The partners will get entangled in their drama and the relationship will slide down into a destructive dynamic. A damaging process for all involved. Read more on the way we work.

In Therapy

When people consider therapy, they often have been struggling with issues for quite some time. Issues also aren’t often understood very well by the people around. Taking therapy is like stepping out of your lonely struggle. You’ll learn that you are not alone in your questions. And that your feelings are probably correct, but you just didn’t trust them.

Working with your inner child is a playful and loving way to gain clarity about the source of old patterns, tensions, or discontent. It is for people who want to learn more about their energetic condition, their body awareness, and ways of cleaning up the past. Especially coming to grips with what keeps them from properly nourishing the body, mind, and soul. The first step is to get back to how each inner child part is doing so far.

You can see inner child work as a fundamental investment in the rest of your life. What you dissolve and process will disappear into the background. By working with your inner child, with yourself when you were (very) small, you go to the root of your problems. As the adult that you are now, you go back to blueprint moments, where things have gone wrong for you. To set them right, after all. This is called spiritual therapy because you are going to clean up old ballast to become more yourself.

Intake Interview

Running up to the intake interview I’ll provide you with a few inner child questions about you, the family you grew up in, and your family at large. This may help you to map out to some extent what is/has been happening around your inner child.

If the intake session renders enough perspective on working with the inner child, we can agree on a series of appointments, preferably on a preset day and time. After 5 sessions we evaluate the effectiveness of the work that has been done and we proceed from there.

Trauma Therapy

It is quite normal for the body to continuously activate your energy through your autonomic nervous system and deactivate it again. You accelerate for something to do and you slow down to unwind again. When someone or something gets too close to comfort, a boundary is being challenged. This activates your nervous system more than usual, autonomously. Your body goes into an alarm phase: ready to fight or to flee. However, if you simply could not fight or flee, for example, because you were too small, you can only stiffen or freeze up. You are in what is called shock. As it were, you are not there for some time. This is also a perfectly good solution from Mother Nature.

But when the danger has passed and you do not shake off that shock, as animals do, then your body keeps “thinking” that you’re still in danger. That stiffening or freezing stays behind in your nervous system and bodily tissue. You remain alert and on edge. This may persist for months or even (many) years. You are alive, but you are physically and/or emotionally kind of absent. You might also recognize some of the symptoms mentioned.

In trauma therapy, we work with the remnants of shock still in the body, particularly in the autonomous nervous system. Working with the shock of the inner child requires an approach where you first learn to feel safe inside yourself again. All pressure of expectations, judgments and time may disappear. Then you are going to find the movement that your body didn’t have time to finish at the moment of overwhelming. Completing that movement after all will abduct bit by bit the tension in your nervous system.

In trauma therapy is not necessary that you tell about “what happened” all over again. This could mean re-traumatizing yourself. You work purely with the ‘felt sense‘ in the bodily tissue. No story or drama is needed here.

Couples Therapy

The awakening of the loving adult in yourself and each other. Relationship problems have much to do with the absence of the loving adult in the couple. As a result, the wounded and the surviving child have to fend for themselves. Inner child work focuses on the (re)awakening of the loving adult inside you. You can not change the past, but you still can learn to take care of your inner child lovingly and reassure it that the past is over. The inner child parts are not able to solve this on their own. And “salvation” does also no longer come from the other, how much people like to see it that way.

In sessions, you look at what relationship history you have (from childhood to now ) and how it manifests itself in your current relationships. How did early unresolved childhood experiences, lead to entanglement (codependency) with the other, to a sense of shame, having to keep your distance, low self-esteem, and lack of freedom. You will learn that the ‘charge’ on things doesn’t necessarily belong inside your relationship. You will learn to take care of yourself. The other really can’t carry your load. Your brain can adjust old ingrained beliefs by drawing on new experiences and new information. In sessions, you will look at what has come between you and your partner. By becoming open, honest, and aware you can discover the ‘good reasons’ to come back together or else maybe the good reasons to wrap up the relationship.

Principles & Methods

Inner Child Work is an experience-based approach. We focus on grounding the body, breathing, and getting back into touch with the feelings of the inner child. Not just the mind, but especially the body gets to ´talk´. We work in an atmosphere of safety and loving attention, not focusing on solving or changing anything, but on caring for and accepting what is. Five natural principles play a core role:

Letting go of unhealthy behavior. By becoming aware of your physically or mentally unhealthy patterns. In working with your inner child we look for these patterns, their origins, and ways we keep them in place. Primal Rebirth Therapy (PRT) is such a body-centered growth therapy, focussing on unfinished feelings and emotions from our inner child (the pure child, the wounded child, and the surviving child). Primal stands for going back to original experiences and feelings and facing the situations that have been crucial to you. In these ‘blueprint’ situations our pain got hooked up with negative convictions about ourselves and the world around us. Rebirth stands for ´straightening out´ what had gone wrong for you, drawing from the wisdom of your natural child and the strength of the mature person you are now. You return to the present, but more aware, lighter, and with the feeling of being reborn. You will have more confidence, more life energy and strength, and more compassion for your vulnerability.

Bringing your energy back to flowing again. Becoming aware of the movement of energy through your body, your nervous system, and body tissue. Learning to feel where it is blocked and after lifting the block becoming aware of how much energy you possess. Breathing and bodywork are effective ways of letting your energy flow again.

Cleansing body and mind. Becoming aware of the excessive burdening of the body, e.g. by toxic substances or information overload. This creates stress that can become destructive. We learn to purify our bodily system from tension and contamination.

Restoring bodily communication. Becoming aware of the communication inside your body through your nervous system. When the communication between certain parts of the body is hampered, we can learn to restore this communication by learning to redirect our attention. The body will calm down again by letting go of tensions in the nerve system. In trauma healing, this plays a major part.

Reconnecting to healthy sources of nourishment. Becoming aware of what we eat/drink and what we absorb mentally and spiritually. How nourishing are our daily actions and our social contacts? Living in the ‘survival mode’, guided by negative convictions about ourselves or the world, will become reflected by a decline in healthy nourishment.

Meditation: Witnessing Yourself

Developing your meditation plays a central role in working with your inner child. Meditation in the sense of witnessing what is inside you. In witnessing you can learn to let go of your identification with your feelings, your thoughts, and your emotions. You can discover that in essence, you are neither of those. There is a space of peace and silence inside you, a place of knowing and trusting.

To practice this we use active meditations among others. These are meditations in which the body is actively involved. They have been developed specifically for the western person because he often is too restless inside to sit still from the start. Often, we first need space for expressing our resistance and bottled-up emotions. By making space for this we deepen the peace and quietness that follows.

About Payodhi

My name is Payodhi van der Graaff (1960) and my therapy practice was called InnerChildWork. In my practice, I gave Primal Rebirth therapy, relationship therapy, and trauma therapy. I was a certified Primal Rebirth therapist with four years of training in Primal Rebirth Therapy at the Aumm Institute. I furthered my education with a two-year education in Co-dependency, applying Osho Inner Child Work to relationship issues. Trauma therapy formed a third important pillar of my practice, following training on this matter regularly. I´ve been giving sessions since 2000 (as a student) and from 2004 to 2018 as a registered therapist.

Why did I choose this work? I was born in 1960 and as a child, I learned to survive very early by behaving as ‘mature’ as possible. That made me into a student, who received schooling for about 25 years in a row, reading about everything. I became a ‘head’ person who avoided confrontations, but also a loner hiding my feelings structurally. I hurt others with my harsh judgments and lack of empathy. Around my 35th birthday, I landed upon the therapeutic path. I noticed that I was not the only one stuck in old energy-devouring dramas. Awareness about this was the beginning of the way out. Slowly I became friends with myself, with my inner child and I fell layer by layer deeper into my feelings. I did not have to disappear anymore when being confronted or rejected. I learned: that ’the healing is in the feeling’, starting to allow myself to live my own life instead of that of my up bringers.

Feedback from Clients

Read some experiences from clients about how they picked up on the trail of their inner child, how they have experienced their process, and what it has brought them.

Payodhi is hands-down the sharpest and most engaged therapist I have ever been fortunate enough to work with. He is completely present and non-judgmental, and is always willing to meet me exactly where I am at any given moment, without pushing me to meet any sort of outside agenda … therefore allowing the therapy to unfold along a completely organic and natural path. I would (and I have!) highly recommend him to anyone wanting to travel the journey of meeting your inner child.” Kimberly, age 43, Japan.

My defenses developed a long time ago. The urge to uncover what has been bothering me all this time, that’s what made me check out InnerChildWork. I often feel isolated and cut off as though I have to hide from severe criticism. Trouble connecting to people and always searching for safety. I’m really happy to find a knowledgeable person to talk to about this old stuff. The peaceful and non-judgemental way of working helps me to get to the bottom of it.” Peter, age 36, USA.

The website made me recognize the signs of the inner child in action: always worrying about other people, not knowing what I wanted for myself, not expressing myself enough, and being very low on confidence. When I was around new people I seemed to freeze. I could only feel comfortable with people I knew very well. I felt that things had to be perfect. I felt that I could do much better with my life. Working with my inner child issues made me understand and appreciate myself much better.” Elizabeth, age 35, South Africa.

My purpose for many years now is to heal the people around me. And I want to do this well. We need many people to heal the millions around us. I am so touched, impressed, and happy that InnerChildWork is doing what they do. As a ‘counseling psychologist,’ I believe that healing the inner child is an important part of it. I contacted Payodhi to teach me some of the techniques he is talking about. I asked for advice and blessings. I now have started to conduct healing sessions in my town.” Anindita, age 45, India.

I contacted InnerChildWork because when I researched the different sites, this explanation of inner child work was logical and it seemed more like a process that had a beginning and end point. When I spoke with Payodhi, it felt both professional and comfortable. Working through Skype is great – very convenient to do from the comfort of my home and is quite like chatting on the phone, so it is very simple to do and non-threatening. I find I can open up and talk quite freely. Payodhi has an amazing ability to read my responses and feelings accurately, even over skype. He is understanding, knowledgeable, and always well prepared. He must keep great notes of our conversations as he can remind me of things I said and felt from past sessions, which is always helpful. I am definitely making progress as I now understand where much of my difficulties stem from. I’ve been able to make some changes and feel so much better as a result. I am confident that through this work I am learning to become the mature, balanced adult that I want to be.” Arlene, age 52, USA.

Registrations & Training

I was registered with the occupational council BATC (Beroepen Associatie Therapeut & Consument) and its Disciplinary Board KBNT. Every year I complied with quality standards to continue my license.

My schooling consisted of the following training at the Aumm Institute:

  • Two-year of training in Codependency (2003)
  • Four years of training in Primal Rebirth Therapy (2004)
  • Several intensives in Somatic Experiencing for Trauma Healing (2003-2005)

Additional courses:

  • Basic Medical Knowledge (2009)
  • Homeopathy and Bach Blossom Therapy (2012)
  • Chakra- and Aura Healing (2013)
  • Nutritional Therapy (2014)

Before I became a therapist, I studied economics at the Free University in Amsterdam (1988) and I worked as a lecture organizer, exploring the common ground between management and philosophy, and as a communications consultant.

Inner Child Literature

Inner child therapy is an experience-based way of working, returning to the experience inside the body. Besides this bodily approach, it is important to feed the mind with new ways of comprehending your personality and essence by reading. There is extensive literature on the topics of the inner child such as shame, shock, trauma, needs, boundaries, the inner judge, the loving adult, character structures, and codependency in relationships. Here is a short list of some important and/or recent titles:

Author(s)TitlePublisher
John BradshawThe FamilyHealth Communications
 Homecoming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner ChildHealth Communications
 Healing the Shame that Binds YouHealth Communications
Byron BrownSoul Without ShameShambhala
Trisha CaetanoInner Child Integration and RegressionWorkshops & Lectures
Lucia CapacchioneRecovery of Your Inner ChildSimon & Schuster
Erika Chopich & Margaret PaulHealing Your AlonenessHarper San Francisco
KrishnanandaFace To Face With FearKoregaon
 Stepping Out Of FearKoregaon
Krishnananda & AmanaTrustKoregaon
 When Sex Becomes IntimateEloquent Books
Alice MillerThe Drama of the Gifted ChildBasic Books
Hal & Sidra StoneEmbracing Your Inner CriticHarper San Francisco
Charles WhitfieldHealing the Child WithinHealth Communications
Stephen WolinskyThe Dark Side of the Inner ChildBramble Books